Feedback on College Essay Please

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ModRetro Legend
Julian Hammerstein

Oddly Prepared

Although I attended school, I’m a quintessential unschooled scholar. I have always liked learning, but have found myself ahead of my classmates in terms of interest and ability. This led me to fulfill my craving for learning outside of school. In the classroom, I did what was required to pass; on my own time, I challenged myself academically. I have researched and built a set of historical samurai armor for recreation combat; I’ve experimented with hobby electronics, and I’ve picked up eclectic mechanical skills every chance I’ve had.

One of my many strange hobbies involves hacking, modifying, and repurposing retro video game consoles. Currently my desk is littered with the shredded guts of Nintendo 64 consoles, PlayStation LCD screens, and all sorts of wires and switches. I hope eventually to come out the other end with a homemade, handheld Nintendo 64 console complete with a custom case, rechargeable batteries, and built in controls and screen. It would not be the first of its kind, but it would join the ranks of only a few others, with less than 100 in existence. Most of these can be found on ModRetro.com, a forum that I helped to start and moderate. On the forum, I spend a lot of time helping other people troubleshoot their projects and talking about new ways to improve on other user’s designs. Despite my interest, my own project has been preempted by my primary passion, the construction of historical Samurai armor reworked for re-created full contact medieval combat.

After many hours of painstaking research, I have equipped myself with the knowledge to create historical looking armor that meets the stringent safety requirements of Heavy Armored Combat in the Society for Creative Anachronism (SCA), a large medieval re-creation group. Armoring in the SCA is a tough challenge for a lot of reasons. Armor in period did not have a long lifespan. The wearer was often killed, or the armor was damaged in battle, after which it would be repaired or replaced. In contrast, re-creation armor must be designed to sustain repeated heavy blows without needing constant repair. The burden of maintenance falls on me, as I do not have a stable of retainers to keep my gear in good condition. To construct such armor, I required a nuanced understanding of the many details of medieval armor, encompassing all aspects of construction. I have spent countless hours studying the mining and smelting of iron ore, lacing weaves and materials, helmet bowl styles, rivet design and implementation, armor styles and fashions over the years, footwear, undergarments, techniques and usage of gilt copper accenting, banners, crests, and heraldry. This extensive knowledge is not enough. I must also be fluent in modern materials and creative cross-application, so that I may re-create historic style armors out of durable and light materials that are affordable to the hobbyist. I’ve gone to great ends to amass this knowledge. It has taken hours online, books, trips to museums, and chats with experts. I didn’t write very many research papers in high school, but I did research a full kit of armor that I wear into battle myself.

Instead of writing papers for English class, I honed my writing skills revising the armor and weapons safety standards for the Youth Combat program in the SCA. I was appointed to a committee because of my extensive experience both in fighting and in weapon construction and use. I had been wearing armor and traveling up and down the east coast for five years, giving me a familiarity with the regionally idiosyncratic applications of the rules as written. I was well versed in the rules themselves, as I loved unusual weapons that conformed to the standards (barely). The rules revision committee was tasked with streamlining the rules and making them reflect practice. As well, we hoped to render the rules easy to understand by parents with no prior knowledge or experience in armor or combat. The revision process involved email conferencing, round table discussion, experimentation, and finally, pithy technical writing. Our new concise rules were adopted in Fall of 2009.

When I’m not fighting and writing my way around the east coast, I have multiple hands-on projects going at all times. I’m compelled to solve everyday problems in household engineering. Two summers ago, in preparation for a two-week long, group camping trip, I designed and constructed a full field kitchen and shower system with filtration and hot and cold running water fed only by a garden hose. This facility was furnished with knock-down wooden tables and benches I built myself. In construction I used the materials scattered about my house: a few propane-fired turkey burners, some big pots, some heat-resistant hose, some scrap lumber, and a sink found on the side of the road. I’ve researched and re-created historical Japanese boxes, built a 36 cubic foot car-top carrier for my mom’s work van, assembled a full running coal forge, and designed deployable, nine-foot costume wings. I’m always fidgeting with something. Currently, I am employed as a general contractor’s assistant. Last week I was an electrician, this week a plumber. Next week I’ll be tiling and painting. My job always involves spatial reasoning, and thinking of simple solutions to complex problems.

My reasoning behind choosing mechanical engineering as a major is multifaceted. Firstly, and more obviously, is my love for problem solving, building, and design. I’ve loved constructing and fixing things as long as I can remember. The second reason is much deeper. We will soon be facing global climate crisis and will need to address critical problems; mechanical engineers will be crucial. I look forward to an education that will outfit me to take on the huge problems of the coming years. I want to be in a profession that will benefit the planet, as well as myself. Interest, aptitude, and self-schooling have started me on this path; I look now toward formal schooling to continue the journey.






THANKS
 
βeta said:
Julian Hammerstein

Oddly Prepared
Although I attended school, I’m a quintessentialunschooledscholar. I have always liked learning, but have found myself ahead of my classmates in terms of interest and ability. This led me to fulfill my craving for learning outside of school. In the classroom, I did what was required to pass; on my own time, I challenged myself academically. I have researched and built a set of historical samurai armor for recreation combat; I’ve experimented with hobby electronics, and I’ve picked up eclectic mechanical skills every chance I’ve had.

One of my many strange hobbies involves hacking, modifying, and repurposing retro video game consoles. Currently my desk is littered with the shredded guts of Nintendo 64 consoles, PlayStation LCD screens, and all sorts of wires and switches. I hope eventually to come out the other end with a homemade, handheld Nintendo 64 console complete with a custom case, rechargeable batteries, and built in controls and screen. It would not be the first of its kind, but it would join the ranks of only a few others, with less than 100 in existence.Most of these can be found on ModRetro.com, a forum that I helped to start and moderate. On the forum, I spend a lot of time helping other people troubleshoot their projects and talking about new ways to improve on other user’s designs. Despite my interest, my own project has been preempted by my primary passion, the construction of historical Samurai armor reworked for re-created full contact medieval combat.

After many hours of painstaking research, I have equipped myself with the knowledge to create historical looking armor that meets the stringent safety requirements of Heavy Armored Combat in the Society for Creative Anachronism (SCA), a large medieval re-creation group. Armoring in the SCA is a tough challenge for a lot of reasons. Armor in period did not have a long lifespan. The wearer was often killed, or the armor was damaged in battle, after which it would be repaired or replaced. In contrast, re-creation armor must be designed to sustain repeated heavy blows without needing constant repair. The burden of maintenance falls on me, as I do not have a stable of retainers to keep my gear in good condition. To construct such armor, I required a nuanced understanding of the many details of medieval armor, encompassing all aspects of construction. I have spent countless hours studying the mining and smelting of iron ore, lacing weaves and materials, helmet bowl styles, rivet design and implementation, armor styles and fashions over the years, footwear, undergarments, techniques and usage of gilt copper accenting, banners, crests, and heraldry. This extensive knowledge is not enough. I must also be fluent in modern materials and creative cross-application, so that I may re-create historic style armors out of durable and light materials that are affordable to the hobbyist. I’ve gone to great ends to amass this knowledge. It has taken hours online, books, trips to museums, and chats with experts. I didn’t write very many research papers in high school, but I did research a full kit of armor that I wear into battle myself.

Instead of writing papers for English class, I honed my writing skills revising the armor and weapons safety standards for the Youth Combat program in the SCA. I was appointed to a committee because of my extensive experience both in fighting and in weapon construction and use. I had been wearing armor and traveling up and down the east coast for five years, giving me a familiarity with the regionally idiosyncratic applications of the rules as written. I was well versed in the rules themselves, as I loved unusual weapons that conformed to the standards (barely). The rules revision committee was tasked with streamlining the rules and making them reflect practice. As well, we hoped to render the rules easy to understand by parents with no prior knowledge or experience in armor or combat. The revision process involved email conferencing, round table discussion, experimentation, and finally, pithy technical writing. Our new concise rules were adopted in Fall of 2009.

When I’m not fighting and writing my way around the east coast, I have multiple hands-on projects going at all times. I’m compelled to solve everyday problems in household engineering. Two summers ago, in preparation for a two-week long, group camping trip, I designed and constructed a full field kitchen and shower system with filtration and hot and cold running water fed only by a garden hose. This facility was furnished with knock-down wooden tables and benches I built myself. In construction I used the materials scattered about my house: a few propane-fired turkey burners, some big pots, some heat-resistant hose, some scrap lumber, and a sink found on the side of the road. I’ve researched and re-created historical Japanese boxes, built a 36 cubic foot car-top carrier for my mom’s work van, assembled a full running coal forge, and designed deployable, nine-foot costume wings. I’m always fidgeting with something. Currently, I am employed as a general contractor’s assistant. Last week I was an electrician, this week a plumber. Next week I’ll be tiling and painting. My job always involves spatial reasoning, and thinking of simple solutions to complex problems.

My reasoning behind choosing mechanical engineering as a major is multifaceted. Firstly, and more obviously, is my love for problem solving, building, and design. I’ve loved constructing and fixing things as long as I can remember. The second reason is much deeper. We will soon be facing global climate crisis and will need to address critical problems; mechanical engineers will be crucial. I look forward to an education that will outfit me to take on the huge problems of the coming years. I want to be in a profession that will benefit the planet, as well as myself. Interest, aptitude, and self-schooling have started me on this path; I look now toward formal schooling to continue the journey.



Thank you for considering me for admittance,
Julian Hammerstein



THANKS
I'm no English teacher, but these are the things that immediately stood out to me.

Crossed out: Omit.
No title.
Don't say you're unschooled.
Forums? Everyone and their mom has made some internet forum at some point and most N64p aren't from here.
The English paper comments make it sound like you didn't apply yourself at school.

Italicized: Add that or something to that effect.
Bolded: This sounds weird to someone who doesn't know anything about Japanese boxes. WTF?
"THANKS" was directed toward us at MR, right? Right?

By the way, what school(s) are you applying to out of curiosity?
 
I don't think that forums are as insignificant as you do. It sounds impressive if you say it in an announcer voice.

I didn't apply myself in school, and it's apparent in my grades. That's why my essay is about "Where I applied myself instead."

Good call on the "Thank you for considering me for admittance."
That's really important.


Yeah, that THANKS is to MR, but specifically YOU, good sir, for embarking on this wonderful quest for knowledge with me. You name will be in the credits.
 
Hey, most N64ps come from me, and I AM MR. Therefore, your argument fails! :p

"is littered with the shredded guts of Nintendo 64 consoles"

Read it aloud and you'll know what I mean. I once said that same exact phrase when i was talking to a friend at school, and my teacher thought we were talking about Saw. It stood out to me, and since this is for college acceptance then you don't want them remembering your paper for "shredded guts."

Hmmm, not much else that hasn't already been covered by Jewjo.

SS
 
ßeta said:
Two summers ago, in preparation for a two-week long, group camping trip, I designed and constructed a full field kitchen and shower system with filtration and hot and cold running water fed only by a garden hose.

revise punctuation. It may have only happened this once, but that is enough at MIT. (I would know, I've wanted to go there since I was eight. You do want to go to MIT, right?)
 
ShockSlayer said:
Hey, most N64ps come from me, and I AM MR. Therefore, your argument fails! :p

"is littered with the shredded guts of Nintendo 64 consoles"

Read it aloud and you'll know what I mean. I once said that same exact phrase when i was talking to a friend at school, and my teacher thought we were talking about Saw. It stood out to me, and since this is for college acceptance then you don't want them remembering your paper for "shredded guts."

Hmmm, not much else that hasn't already been covered by Jidan.

SS

Jewjo* :)

That's kinda weird, considering I almost posted here. But then I realized that my last essay I wrote was supposed to be about something that changed my life, but I wrote about feet. So I decided I probably had nothing constructive to offer. :)


Except you kept it all in the same tense, which is good <.<
 
Basement_Modder said:
ßeta said:
Two summers ago, in preparation for a two-week long, group camping trip, I designed and constructed a full field kitchen and shower system with filtration and hot and cold running water fed only by a garden hose.

revise punctuation. It may have only happened this once, but that is enough at MIT. (I would know, I've wanted to go there since I was eight. You do want to go to MIT, right?)

I'm pretty sure this is correct, yo. My mom revised it, and she's got her masters (and half a PHD) in da inglishz.

Not applying to MIT anymore, my interviewer blew me off past the deadline.

Applying to:
Northeastern U
RIT
RPI
Bucknell
U New Haven (flaxty backup)
 
βeta said:
Basement_Modder said:
ßeta said:
Two summers ago, in preparation for a two-week long, group camping trip, I designed and constructed a full field kitchen and shower system with filtration and hot and cold running water fed only by a garden hose.

revise punctuation. It may have only happened this once, but that is enough at MIT. (I would know, I've wanted to go there since I was eight. You do want to go to MIT, right?)

I'm pretty sure this is correct, yo. My mom revised it, and she's got her masters (and half a PHD) in da inglishz.

The first comma. It seems... Wrong. Idk, just the phrase "two-week long group camping trip," sounds better than "two week long, group camping trip,"
 
It's grammatically correct, but I'm sure it could be fudged a little bit. "camping trip" has two adjectives, "two week long" and "group". There needs to be a comma between them, for the most part.
 
Are they really that OCD about grammar and stuff? Because I say it's better without the comma.

Also, the stuff in the last paragraph about benefiting the planet and myself and all that, the whole paragraph seemed like a sucking-up load of flax. From the perspective of the college/university... uh, interviewer? it might not seem that way, though.
 
modretro.com=forums.modretro.com. If they check it out, the main home page sucks ass.

And running a forum is actually pretty impressive to many people, especially if you were someone who helped start it. And ESPECIALLY on a help/project oriented forum like this, it shows you are good at managing people and managing information (As opposed to "I run a forum where we talk about women and videogames and drugs!")

Not that we are much different... ;) Overall, a great paper.
 
Wouldn't they see this thread and something ironic would happen?

I say don't worry about it. If they have no sense of humour you don't want to go there anyway. Then again...
 
It's not against the rules to get feedback on your work. Everyone does it. Lots of people don't even write their own papers.
 
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