AfroLH
Frequent Poster
I need your opinion on a poem I wrote. Critique it. Give me your thoughts. Anything.
Please.
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天国の肖像「Portrait of Heaven」
A lone wanderer
garbed in silver robes
Tantō at his side
Yumi on his back
Through the cave of leaves
darkened by the fall
Into the abyss
He finds himself lost.
As dew covers trees
To vanish by noon
As light blankets fields
To fade into night
He sits in the grass
Awaiting his fate
His hands not shaking
Looking to the sky.
He readies his brush
Prepares the paper
For his final words
His song of the swans
Cool wind hits his face
Dipping brush in ink
Words flow like water
Composing his jisei.
だけ死去は近寄る「As death approaches」
わたしは大自然の美を見出す「I notice the beauty of nature」
金色の枯葉は地を覆う「The golden leaves cover the earth」
淑やかな魚は水に滑る「The graceful fish glide in the water」
静かな白鳥は湖水に漂う「A peaceful swan floats in the lake」
わたしは長らく彷徨った「I have wandered for so long」
待つこと死亡「Waiting to die」
かしら…「I wonder…」
大自然は天国の肖像です?「Is nature a portrait of heaven?」
A butterfly lands
On his tired hand
It flutters its wings
Peaceful and serene
Raindrops wet his face
He shelters his friend
So that it may fly
Once the rain recedes.
The wanderer rests
Lying on the ground
And breaths his last breath
He enters the void.
As his hands release
And the calm rain stops
A pair of blue wings
Ascend to the sky.
Please.
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天国の肖像「Portrait of Heaven」
A lone wanderer
garbed in silver robes
Tantō at his side
Yumi on his back
Through the cave of leaves
darkened by the fall
Into the abyss
He finds himself lost.
As dew covers trees
To vanish by noon
As light blankets fields
To fade into night
He sits in the grass
Awaiting his fate
His hands not shaking
Looking to the sky.
He readies his brush
Prepares the paper
For his final words
His song of the swans
Cool wind hits his face
Dipping brush in ink
Words flow like water
Composing his jisei.
だけ死去は近寄る「As death approaches」
わたしは大自然の美を見出す「I notice the beauty of nature」
金色の枯葉は地を覆う「The golden leaves cover the earth」
淑やかな魚は水に滑る「The graceful fish glide in the water」
静かな白鳥は湖水に漂う「A peaceful swan floats in the lake」
わたしは長らく彷徨った「I have wandered for so long」
待つこと死亡「Waiting to die」
かしら…「I wonder…」
大自然は天国の肖像です?「Is nature a portrait of heaven?」
A butterfly lands
On his tired hand
It flutters its wings
Peaceful and serene
Raindrops wet his face
He shelters his friend
So that it may fly
Once the rain recedes.
The wanderer rests
Lying on the ground
And breaths his last breath
He enters the void.
As his hands release
And the calm rain stops
A pair of blue wings
Ascend to the sky.
